Bugs! Unfortunately, I’m one of those people that bugs find delectable. I’m at a loss as to what they could possibly find attractive about my aging (sometimes ailing) frame.

According to some allergy specialists, it has something to do with blood type. I’m type ‘O’; apparently one of the most popular blood groups and one that is adored by most blood-sucking, diving Diptera – munchies for mosquitos, nosh for no-see-ums, meat for midges. It would seem that I’m a banquet for bugs. 

I’ve written about our enjoyment of moving to a lake community – imagine a golf course where the fairways are lakes with all kinds of natural nooks and crannies that harbor every type of southern wildlife, including alligators and snakes, bald eagles and ospreys. There is, of course, a downside. At this time of year bugs need sustenance to breed. They see me and salivate over the prospect of sticking a sharp, stinging proboscis into a sustaining snack. I don’t know if I give off an enticing, attractive niff but they bypass all kinds of other people to make a beeline (sorry) for my bare parts – a cholesterol-loaded luncheon.

I can take every precaution known to science – to little avail.I slap sufficient slippery, oily substances all over my body that could be taken for a natural disaster. Smelling like a floozie’s underwear, I assume that I’m rendered unappealing to any potential invader. Wrong!! They gather into their squadrons and attack at will, throwing caustic cautions to the wind and find any area left uncovered for their delectation and delight.

Allow me to point out that a bug bite, to me, provides a discomfort in inverse proportion to the size of the offending nip.

Years ago, I was bitten by a sub-tropical scorpion in Florida (yes, they exist). My ankle became the size of my thigh and antihistamines put me out of it for three days. Since then, any bite, inconsequential or not, is cause for self-inflicted flensing, drawing blood that’s already been thinned out by other life-sustaining meds! An annoying itch for a few hours turns into a week-long scratch session akin to a flea-bitten hound dog. A pimple-sized bite turns into a festering model of Mt. Vesuvius.

Lotions and potions, worthy of a Shakespearean witch’s coven, slathered everywhere to ameliorate the torment, are about as useful as a chocolate fire screen!

Outdoor exploits are now deferred to times of less insect interference; bocce ball is now a fall following, as is sitting at an outdoor bar. The social scene, however, continues unabated, behind closed doors or fly screened patios; cocktails continue, dinners delight and card games congregate at various neighbors’ houses. Bugs are only introduced by conversations and comparisons of residents’ exposure to this year’s unusual pestilence.

Last year didn’t seem so bad compared to this biblical plague-like visitation. Who knows what’s next? Locusts? Frogs?

I suppose this, too shall pass and we’ll settle down to grumbling about the heat and humidity – the norm, here in the deep South.

The only thing I can remember as being worse was in Minnesota; we rented an apartment in Edina, close to one of our auctions and lots of fleet and rental companies. There we were introduced to black mosquitos, large enough to carry you off and often referred to as the State bird! When they were gone the only thing that later loomed large was winter. I’ve never been so cold as having to put gas in my car during a howling gale that felt as though my legs were being sawn off!

Somehow no-see-ums may not be so bad…